Wow, it's almost Wednesday

Tomorrow I start my clear liquid only diet since tomorrow is the day before surgery. I also have to drink like 8 oz of magnesium something to make me um...well...go........and clean out my system before surgery. Yuck. Fun fun.
My anxiety is killing me today. My stomach is in knots and I feel scared and depressed. I know this is what I have to do to save my life for myself and my daughter, but the fears are killing me. What if I die? I know that's unlikely, but it's still something that can happen. I'm even halfway tempted to hang out what I want to wear for my funeral if I die. Wow, that's sick. Anyways, I just took a nice Xanax (yes, I have a prescription) and hope it will help me sleep tonight. Good night all.

Food Funeral

(Someone posted this on a message board and it spoke so true to me)
For as long as I can remember you were there. You comforted me when I was sad, lonely, bored, depressed. You held my hand when I was happy; you were by my side when I was in love. You laid next to me when I was heartbroken. You saw me through my worse, You rewarded me through my best. But now its time to let you go, and put my dependency for you to rest. I don’t need you as much as you think I do. I will not be weak, I will not give into your temptation The only cravings I will desire is to love myself The only hungry I will feel is the hunger for success and self assurance I will no longer look at you as a temporary solution to a complicated emotion Rather a tool that gives me energy to live a productive life full of devotion I say farewell to the lonely days that I filled my mouth with meaningless garbage The evenings where I embraced that second or third helping. To those nights where I tossed and turned uncomfortably extended looking at the ceiling emotionally suspended. I don’t hate you, but I cant count on you to feed my emotions. I cant count on you to fill the voids that should be filled with motivation, and determination The cracks and crevices that should flow with desire and inspiration. I don’t want to WANT you I want to NEED you To give me the energy I need to persevere to enjoy life with out this addiction, And to finally see clear….

Had my Pre-Op appt with my surgeon today!

It was great! HE is great! I do truly trust him to have my life in his hands. He has never had a death in all his thousands of surgery's and he has only had one leak and it was from repair of a botched sleeve surgery in Mexico (no offense was meant by the location). He was so encouraging. In all of his Sleeve surgeries the patients have had the same weight loss as the RNY patients. He loves the Sleeve and actually gives siminars and trainings around the US to teach the surgery to other doctors. I'm so happy to be going to him. I got pre-admitted to the hospital today and they did some more blood work. For some crappy reason unknown, they had to poke me SIX times to take my blood. :( It was awful. He was extremely happy with my pre-op weight loss and thinks that I have done a great job getting my liver shrunk down. He was just wonderful and soooo many of my fears are gone now. Yea!! Only one more week!!!

Some THINspiration

Holy Crap, who am I?

Seriously!? I am following this diet 100%, not cheating at all! I am so proud of myself. It's getting sooo much easier. 12 days now till surgery. That is crazy! The pre-op diet is finally getting managable. I look so forward to dinner and drink sooo much water when I get starving before dinner. I'm able to wear all my size 24 pants now! That is awesome! My 26's are baggy and sloppy. I love this. I finally have hope! Thank you God for giving me hope and a plan to save my life.

Was that thunder??!!

No, that was my dang stomach growling like I'm dying. OMG, I'm hungry!!!!!!! Can I say it one more time please that Pre-op diet sucks!!! I can't wait till after surgery and have no more hunger. :D

14 days till Surgery!!!!

I have been following my pre-op diet to a tee the past two days and it is difficult!!!! I now realize I was cheating more than I thought. I am learning how drinking a diet coke or water can help so much when I am starving between meals. I am drinking a soy protein shake (blended with ice and water) for breakfast and a shake for lunch with a can of green beans or a lite salad and then a dinner that consists of 4oz of protein (lean), 2 veggies, and 2 carbs (fruit is a carb and has to be whole grain). That is NOT much food!!! I look forward to dinner so much. lol. I try to space out my lunch as late as possible because between 3 and dinner time I am ravenous!!! I have my eye on the prize though and I am determined to not cheat before surgery!! I have to do this. I have to shrink my liver and loose some lbs to make surgery safer. I owe it to myself not to cheat. :)