Wow, it's almost Wednesday

Tomorrow I start my clear liquid only diet since tomorrow is the day before surgery. I also have to drink like 8 oz of magnesium something to make me um...well...go........and clean out my system before surgery. Yuck. Fun fun.
My anxiety is killing me today. My stomach is in knots and I feel scared and depressed. I know this is what I have to do to save my life for myself and my daughter, but the fears are killing me. What if I die? I know that's unlikely, but it's still something that can happen. I'm even halfway tempted to hang out what I want to wear for my funeral if I die. Wow, that's sick. Anyways, I just took a nice Xanax (yes, I have a prescription) and hope it will help me sleep tonight. Good night all.

Food Funeral

(Someone posted this on a message board and it spoke so true to me)
For as long as I can remember you were there. You comforted me when I was sad, lonely, bored, depressed. You held my hand when I was happy; you were by my side when I was in love. You laid next to me when I was heartbroken. You saw me through my worse, You rewarded me through my best. But now its time to let you go, and put my dependency for you to rest. I don’t need you as much as you think I do. I will not be weak, I will not give into your temptation The only cravings I will desire is to love myself The only hungry I will feel is the hunger for success and self assurance I will no longer look at you as a temporary solution to a complicated emotion Rather a tool that gives me energy to live a productive life full of devotion I say farewell to the lonely days that I filled my mouth with meaningless garbage The evenings where I embraced that second or third helping. To those nights where I tossed and turned uncomfortably extended looking at the ceiling emotionally suspended. I don’t hate you, but I cant count on you to feed my emotions. I cant count on you to fill the voids that should be filled with motivation, and determination The cracks and crevices that should flow with desire and inspiration. I don’t want to WANT you I want to NEED you To give me the energy I need to persevere to enjoy life with out this addiction, And to finally see clear….

Had my Pre-Op appt with my surgeon today!

It was great! HE is great! I do truly trust him to have my life in his hands. He has never had a death in all his thousands of surgery's and he has only had one leak and it was from repair of a botched sleeve surgery in Mexico (no offense was meant by the location). He was so encouraging. In all of his Sleeve surgeries the patients have had the same weight loss as the RNY patients. He loves the Sleeve and actually gives siminars and trainings around the US to teach the surgery to other doctors. I'm so happy to be going to him. I got pre-admitted to the hospital today and they did some more blood work. For some crappy reason unknown, they had to poke me SIX times to take my blood. :( It was awful. He was extremely happy with my pre-op weight loss and thinks that I have done a great job getting my liver shrunk down. He was just wonderful and soooo many of my fears are gone now. Yea!! Only one more week!!!

Some THINspiration

Holy Crap, who am I?

Seriously!? I am following this diet 100%, not cheating at all! I am so proud of myself. It's getting sooo much easier. 12 days now till surgery. That is crazy! The pre-op diet is finally getting managable. I look so forward to dinner and drink sooo much water when I get starving before dinner. I'm able to wear all my size 24 pants now! That is awesome! My 26's are baggy and sloppy. I love this. I finally have hope! Thank you God for giving me hope and a plan to save my life.

Was that thunder??!!

No, that was my dang stomach growling like I'm dying. OMG, I'm hungry!!!!!!! Can I say it one more time please that Pre-op diet sucks!!! I can't wait till after surgery and have no more hunger. :D

14 days till Surgery!!!!

I have been following my pre-op diet to a tee the past two days and it is difficult!!!! I now realize I was cheating more than I thought. I am learning how drinking a diet coke or water can help so much when I am starving between meals. I am drinking a soy protein shake (blended with ice and water) for breakfast and a shake for lunch with a can of green beans or a lite salad and then a dinner that consists of 4oz of protein (lean), 2 veggies, and 2 carbs (fruit is a carb and has to be whole grain). That is NOT much food!!! I look forward to dinner so much. lol. I try to space out my lunch as late as possible because between 3 and dinner time I am ravenous!!! I have my eye on the prize though and I am determined to not cheat before surgery!! I have to do this. I have to shrink my liver and loose some lbs to make surgery safer. I owe it to myself not to cheat. :)

WTF!?

I hate my scale! I'm really hoping it's broken. I'm working my rear off (literally) on this diet and the scale doesn't seem to move any more! I'm able to wear pants that I used to couldn't zip up, yet the scale hasn't moved. It's pissing me off. I know I'm eating about half the calories or less than I used to eat. I figured I would have lost like 20lbs by now?! WTF!!!

28 days till surgery!

I cannot wait for 9/9/09/@9!!! 28 more days! The pre-op diet is still very hard. I have been having like 2 or 3 great days then I have a day where I screw up. I am proud to say that I haven't binged since I started the pre-op diet though. That is a good thing for me. :) I can also say that even when I didn't follow the pre-op precisely that it was still better choices than I would have done before. I have also switched to soy protein shakes and those are much better. They still taste like crap, but my stomach is handling them better. :)

The even more dreaded BEFORE pictures

These are hard for me to look at, but this is the truth. These are ones that I hide from others seeing, but this IS how the world sees me. :( These pictures speak the truth from 2000 to now. I will dig up some older photos later.

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to hope I look like this after the weight is off? hehe :)

The dreaded Protein Shake

Seriously, I HATE Protein shakes. My dietitian put me on a special pre-op diet that makes me gag. I drink a shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and a dinner that is healthy. The first day or two was fine, but now I am so sick of protein shakes that the smell makes me nauseous! They taste terrible. They are too sweet and gritty. They taste thick and gross. I cannot find a single flavor that doesn't turn my stomach. I have to follow this diet until surgery! Then I have to do only protein shakes for 2 weeks after surgery! GAG!!!!! Honestly, I would rather not eat than drink another one of these. I'm trying to get creative on how to drink them now. This morning I had one mixed in with a sugar free Cappuchino. It was better than mixed with milk. I like this way much better. I am also going to try mixing it with yogurt tomorrow. I wish I could just take the junk in a pill. lol

About the Surgery I'm getting

Laparoscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy

The laparoscopic sleeve gastrectomy leads to weight loss by reducing the size of the stomach, making you feel full after eating only small portions. Approximately 75% of the stomach is removed, leaving behind a smaller, tube-shaped stomach (or “sleeve”). This limits the amount of food that is required to feel full. In addition, the portion of the stomach that makes the hormone Ghrelin, which is responsible for making us feel hungry, is removed.

This is the newest weight loss surgery procedure, and is performed laparoscopically by Dr. Roller. Advantages of the procedure include no implantation of an artificial device, no re-routing of the intestinal tract, and less frequent follow-up as compared to the lap band. The primary disadvantage of this procedure is that there are no long-term data available regarding weight loss, as it is the newest of the procedures, and the sleeve tube could dilate (or stretch) with time. Preliminary weight loss results are very promising and are very similar to those of the Gastric Bypass procedure.

Dr. Roller is a national teacher/preceptor for Covidien on the sleeve gastrectomy, teaching a course once per month to surgeons from across the country on how to perform the laparoscopic sleeve gastrecctomy. He has trained over 20 surgeons in the technique. He will teach a Masters Sleeve Gastrectomy course in Portland, Oregon in September, 2009.

Surgery is Scheduled!!!

Surgery has been scheduled! I am approved for surgery! I had all my testing done and all is good. I had multiple blood tests, an EKG, an X-ray of my lungs, and a tube down my throat where they looked at my stomach. All came back fine. I did have slightly high Triglycerides, but was told they will go down with weight loss. I also found out that I have some spots in my stomach that are sort of like Acid Reflux. I have to take Prilosec for that now. Other than that I have a clean bill of health and am approved for surgery. My surgery is scheduled for 9-9-09 @ 9 am. lol It's with Dr. Roller at Roller Weight Loss Institute. He is an amazing doctor. He actually teaches the Sleeve surgery I am getting all across the country. Here is his bio: http://www.rollerweightloss.com/dr-roller.html
I am excited and nervous. I feel like I have a second chance at life!!

My Decision to get Bariatric surgery

I'm so proud to say I have finally made this decision to get bariatric surgery. I have been considering it for about 3 years now, but kept trying to do it "on my own". I also didn't think I could afford the surgery. My brother called me one day and told me he was getting Lap Band. I was so excited for him. He and I talked about how I should look into it. I admitted to him that I had secretly wanted it for years, but couldn't see how I could afford it. He urged me to at least make and appt. and see what insurance covers. So, I made that first appointment. Once there I found that I am not a good candidate for lap band. The doctor was afraid that based on all my diet attempts (and fails) that lab band may be like "just another diet" for me and that I would at best only loose 100lbs. She was afraid I would be very disapointed with the surgery. She urged me to look into Gastric Bypass or Gastric Sleeve. I felt embarrased at the appointment, but full of hope. I'm not quite ready to say that number that I weighed out loud, but it was bad. How did 30lbs sneak up on me out of no where? I knew I had been avoiding the scale, but didn't realize the kind of damage I could do in such a short amount of time. Who am I kidding though. I have literally always been fat. There was a short short time in middle school and some of highschool that I was smaller. I still was overweight, but I looked healthy. People don't realize that I was teetering with an eating disorder back then. I was barely eating to keep that size. When I found my boyfriend Adam (husband now) I got happy. Apparently happiness meant eating for me. I quickly put the weight on. Luckily, my husband loves me at any size and finds me attractive now and then. I'm blessed to have him as a husband. I really haven't known what it feels like to be a normal weight though. Even in Kindergarten I remember being teased about my size. As a child I had to shop in a special section at JCPenny's called "Pretty Plus" and Pretty Plus has now turned into shopping at Lane Bryant. The smallest size I ever remember being as a teenager was a size 10/12 (back in the starvation times) and now I'm easily wearing a 26 and a 26/28 in tops. Ugh. That is so shameful. I'm just praising God now that I am willing to finally take care of ME. To love ME. I need this.
After careful consideration, I have decided to get the Lapriscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery. My insurance doesn't cover it and I have to finance the surgery. I feel guilty sometimes over spending that much money on myself, but it will save my life. The Sleeve surgery will remove about 80% of my stomach creating a sleeve/tube like stomach that is left over. By removing that part of my stomach the portion of the stomach that creates the hunger hormone is removed. So, I will be restricted on how much I can eat and I will not be hungry. I was told that I should be close to my goal weight in one year or 18 months. That is so exciting to me. I wonder if anyone will even recognize me! I can't wait to see what this next year holds.